He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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