uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I cut my penus on the lid.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
