I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
