i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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