i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize