Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
His nipple licking is glorious
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