Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
