the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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