so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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