yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
