Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He? As in you personified your dick?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
