I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
