i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
