last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
