I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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