No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Randomize
