So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
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