Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize