What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Pants 0. Shit 1.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
