my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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