just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Randomize
