I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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