I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
