he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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