You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
