need another drink. this is the easiest way
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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