Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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