did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
