wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
