how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
