the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
