it hurts more in the daytime
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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