I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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