The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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