i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
