This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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