...so i touched it.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
