It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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