Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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