It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
