Just fell off a train. Bad.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
