I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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