I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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