I love black thongs
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
