Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
You're like the curious george of whores
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
