why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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