I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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