dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
