I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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