If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
