...so i touched it.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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