I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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