Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
