Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize