I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
