This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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