My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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