Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
