it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
