Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Mom said you looked used
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
