last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
